Archive for January, 2007

Apple’s New iPod Pea

Monday, January 1st, 2007

Get ready, because the smallest iPod ever is slated to be released in Q1 of 2007.


Apple has finally managed to reduce their popular MP3 player to a size that barely accommodates its own headphone jack.

Steve Jobs is scheduled to appear on stage in which he will undoubtedly pull a handful of iPod peas from his pocket.


Technology and Specs

Solid-state engineers at Apple achieved a design breakthrough. The miracle is a new kind of spherical flash-RAM chip, storing 1 gigabyte or up to 240 songs.

Nearly 1/1000th the size of the original iPod, the new iPod pea is an eighth of a cubic centimeter and weighs in at just over 0.2 grams. There are no clips, displays, or buttons. The pea runs in a “permashuffle” mode.

Songs are loaded via bluetooth, and the pea charges its battery as long as it is within three feet of the PeaPod. Charging is made possible by a long-ridiculed (until-now) power broadcasting technique originally devised by Serb-American inventor Nikola Tesla.

Like other iPods, the iPod pea has no servicable parts.


Typical of Apple, technological innovation goes hand-in-hand with marketing innovation. The iPod Pea will be sold in pods of five. “We felt every family member should have their own pea, plus a few extra just in case.”

Marketers believe that the new iPod pea will overtake its predecessors as the number one contest-giveaway item. According to a leading PR firm, “giving away free nanos and shuffles is no longer effective because everyone already has one.”

California-based pastry chef Didier Fournier became the first consumer to get his hands on an iPod pea, happily snatching up a test-group unit that leaked onto eBay. As a promotion for his bakery, Fournier intends to hide iPod peas in “winning pastries,” giving his customers “one more thrilling reason to consume [his] delectables.”

Apple admits it originally named the product “iPea”, but changed the name after test-group participants were unable to “wipe that smirk off their faces.”



Custom engraving will be available for the iPod pea, though the message is limited to a single character in 6pt Helvetica.

While most iFans will have to remain content with white peas, collectors are excited by the news that a very-limited-edition “black-eyed” version will come pre-loaded with the hit single

“Let’s Get it Started (Spike Mix).” Apple, always with a carrot to dangle, also promises to deliver green and other pastel-colored iPod peas just in time for the Easter shopping season.


The iPod pea is intended only for consumers aged 11 years and older. The National Association for Safe Toy Evaluation (N.A.S.T.E.) warns against products with small parts that can be swallowed, aspirated, or inserted into nasal cavities.

This story is fictitious. Please don’t sue me. I heart Apple